"broken is not the same and unfixable"
a quirky little robot in the book i'm reading said that.
she was talking to a cyborg,
i'm talking to humans. like me.

humans who are broken and lost
humans who have hidden behind their pen name
humans who used that name to fix themselves
humans who have finally broken that barrier
humans who are now free

i have been searching and looking.
hidden behind the name Eva Nine,
my quest has given me freedom.
freedom to find my broken parts.

parts i thought were unfixable.

Eva Nine hid me on this quest.
i casted and rewired and stitched.
and now that the bleeding is stoped,
i can free myself and be more....

human.

i have found myself, or at least my writing style,
behind the pen name of Eva Nine.
she went on her quest, through her book,
and i went on my quest of high school.

What's lost?

I use my imagination 

to ignore the degradation 

of people and places,

too many blank faces.

I think with my brain 

and to drown out the rain 

of tears, I shut off my heart

and seal off my art-

eries of blood, and love 

flies too quick. Push and shove.

I can't seem to think

with all this noise, and drink-

ing water doesn't make my

headache go away. I try

too hard to think and feel-

ing takes second place, the wheel

keeps on turning and each day 

brings a new face my way. 

scared of my heart

one side perfect, one malformed

one side shown, the other scorn

don't let them see

because, it's not pretty

they judged me for too long to come close to understanding

I simply gave up because they are so demanding.

so I changed for them, and gave them what they wanted.

no longer me anymore; something more "perfected".

they were scared of my confidence and beauty

so they took their words to scrape away my identity

until my perfect heart became the malformed one they liked,

and as my identity became their puppet, I cried and cried.

I Need Replacements

My arm has stopped working
My brain is shut down
My legs go where they want
My feet have no direction
I need replacements

My hands are calloused
My nose runs and runs
My knees are always bruised
My toes get blisters from dance
I need replacements

My heart is hurting
My soul is aching
My imagination left
My love's run out
I need replacements

I need replacements
But I'm attached.
I like my fingers 
and toes
and bones.

I need replacements
But I am attached
I love my heart
and soul
and mind
and life.

I can't replace them.
They don't just get swapped out.
Maybe my liver, or a leg,
but a broken heart?

I'm not a robot. 
My heart scares me
It beats most of the time
And skips some once in a while
And loves people that it shouldn't 
But I'm attached. 

I need replacements
But I'm attached.

Never too old

too old for dancing in the rain and standing in the rivers
the rivers that flow and grow on the street
the street that I coulda grown up on, but didn't
didn't take the chance to dance last time

time is running out and I can't stand
stand to grow up and still be told
told that I can't because I'm too old.

Too old to be watching Disney
Disney still lets me dream
dream as the stars gleam late at night
night is my Disney get-away time

time is running out and I can't stand
stand to grow up and still be told
told that I can't because I'm too old.

too old for climbing in trees

trees that I can finally reach

reaching for the next branch to climb

climb away from my lost time

time is running out and I can't stand
stand to grow up and still be told
told that I can't because I'm too old.

old in body but young in my mind

my mind is crammed with all of this junk

junk acquired from growing up

growing up and out of time

time is running out and I can't stand
stand to grow up and still be told
told that I can't because I'm too old.