Moving On

I thumbs-ed down your favorite song on Pandora today. I never thought I would get this far. I guess I've finally walked far enough away to start closing the hole in my heart. You hollowed me out when you left that way. Though I would never love again. Thought I would never feel anything again.

I was happy today. I almost went a whole day without thinking about you. When you yelled at me that way I though the words you said were true. But I looked in the mirror this morning and almost like what I saw. Your words hit me harder than you hands. Is this how all fathers treat their baby girls?

I went to my friend's house today. When her father gave her a hug, she didn't look like she was waiting for the egg shells to crack. then he gave me a hug and it was so full of fatherly love. He must've seen the surprise in my eyes.

You called today. It's the first time we've talked since you left. I cried. I yelled. I SCREAMED at you. And yet, I'm still terrified of the man who was supposed to walk me down the aisle.

Mom got married again today. Already he's a better dad. Of course, you'll always be my father, I can't change that, but how could I have ever called you dad when you hurt me the way you did?

I turned 16 today. It's been a year and a half since you left. I'm still scared of you. I live in another state now, and I'm still scared. Why do your abusive words replay in my dreams? Why would you ever say those things to your baby girl?

I told my heart to move on today. I also decided to move on yesterday. And I'll say the same thing tomorrow, because 14 1/2 years of hurt is quite a lot to move on from.

I'm 17 now. I'm still scared of you.